Predicting Futures

Disney made a very strong impression of  my younger self. Strong and sustained self belief, an inherent dream and an infinite determination towards that dream. The dream of course, came with a capital D and embodies a plethora of different questions all leading to one single destination : who I am meant to be. 

What Disney never elaborated, was how unlikely, my actually likely life situation was. 

In the beginning, when my peers and sisters pondered and failed to stick to one particular ambition throughout the almost entire school life, I on the otherwise was proud to be sorted in my mind with only one dream of future: to be a doctor. 

The stumble actually came at a very crucial point though. The very months I began to prepare for my AISSE (Class 10th boards), my mind conjured up endless questions. Do I really want to become a doctor. Or am I more suited as someone else. Do you think I would make a good doctor etc etc. 

Alarmed with my thoughts, I did what a classical miss goody-two-shoes (god, how I wish I wasn't one, maybe that would have made my parents realise that they are raising girls and not a herd of sheep) would do. I communicated my fears to my parents. 

And what happened, was a rational discussion of my wayward thoughts. I was counselled and reassured that any person worth his/her salt has to doubt himself/ herself at least once orelse you tend to become egotistical. 

I am kidding. That's not what happened.

This is what happened:

My ever god loving and God fearing parents, immediately called up the astrologer our family was seeing at that time, a Ms M. and aired all my concerns to her over the phone.

The result: Ms. M consulted my fortune and recommended that I definitely take up Science after 10th and pursue medical/engineering as the stars seemed favourable. 

I kid you not. Not even a little bit. 

A child goes to her parents, about relevant adolescent fears and instead of a heart to heart or even a I don't know how do I put it words? Like instead of asking me when how and why I felt that way and sharing how they went through their periods of self doubt, they just mailed off my concerns to their damn astrologer for the convenient google search answer. 

I would have been surprised if this was like the first time.. Like how in transition from grade 5 to 6, where we had to choose any two second languages out of Hindi, Assamese and French. I wanted to take French and Hindi, but was debarred from doing so cause Assamese is my mother tongue so I should continue it. Or how just because I had my periods, it was considered an ill omen to go on my school excursion to Odisha in grade 8.

Like how, even 9 years after completing my 10th my dad disregards my patience to wait and score a decent rank in neet pg to get to postgraduation, and just pushes my low rank to the mop up rounds in DPU to the only available branch there except ophthalmology, ENT and orthopaedics, all of them that I had no interest in. And after all said and done asked me "Are you happy with your branch?"

If only, my silence could scream. 

Enigma

There are times when what was once meaningLESS becomes meaningFUL. Or vice versa. I  have this habit of indulging in things that neither seem nor sound coherent. But recently, I had read a book by Nicholas Spark (of A Walk to Remember and Notebook fame) called The Choice. Though the story follows the usual Nicholas Spark-ened panacea... yet one of the characters did strike a cord with my otherwise out-of-sorts life.... Stephanie Parker. Her brother describes her in the book as.. "She's an enigma. But she's also my sister, so can I do?....."

Its weird that he calls her an 'enigma'. However odd or perhaps different her character seem, I felt like standing in front of a colossal mirror. It reflected not what I am. It reflected myself as to who I really feel like being. The feeling I get everytime she leads the protagonist to sometimes the evident conclusion or the actual "choices" at hand to be made. Made her seem so surreal. And yet the every thing I tend to picture myself as my future self. Too unrealistic? Well maybe that's why it's an enigma. She embodies the characters I want to cultivate but it seems far fetched that I could ever measure upto them.... Ah, fingers crossed🤞.